[DISCLAIMER: after mixed feedback on my
previous blog posts, this entry will have fewer jokes and more facts. I’ve
tried to actually highlight the facts so that they’re easier to find. I didn’t
highlight the jokes because that ruins the fun.]
IM IN AMSTETTEN!!! I don't have internet at home yet but my lovely mentor teacher has let me into school so that I can come online :-) This is what happened to me so far. It's really long because I'm over-excited. I’ve separated it into little
bitesize chunks for those with short attentions spans.
PART ONE: THE JOURNEY
Odysseus has long been known as the great
voyager. Forrest Gump, Columbus and Jane Ward are a few other travellers who
have also made great journeys, but nobody has ever managed to survive such time
consuming and cripplingly expensive adversity with as much gusto and positivity
as Odysseus…
UNTIL NOW!!!! [I have now achieved that]
One week ago mother and I ‘google mapped’
the route to Stansted, and it suggested it would take 3 hours. We were like, as
if it takes that long, and thinking we were much cleverer than Google maps, left
the house at 7.17am for the 11.20 flight. *****FACT ALERT: THIS WAS UNWISE!******
There was really heavy rain and we got stuck before we’d even reached Walsall.
It turns out the residents of Walsall are not only ‘slow’ in the figurative sense
of the word, but also happen to be slow on the roadways. This was FAR from
ideal. Even after we had broken free of the Midlands, it was like time was
slipping through our fingers like the sand in the hourglass Jafar conjures to
try and drown Jasmine once he’s a genie. Even though mother was driving like a
little hooligan, by the time we saw the first sign for Stansted informing us we
had 30 miles to go, we had 5 minutes to get there. I felt the following
emotions:
·
Mortification
·
Stress
·
Frustration
·
Panic
·
Hunger
We got to the airport about two minutes
after check in closed. As mother pulled up to the airport, I leapt out of the
car and pirouetted through the revolving doors in my brand new leather brogues.
Deftly noting the long queues at check-in I went straight to the ticket desk,
where I waited in another queue, slowly losing the will to live. Even when I
reached the front I had to wait for the small toad-like lady with huge eyes to
fill in her little form before she acknowledged me, and as I checked my watch I
knew the game was up – it was 10:50, the time Ryan Air cited as when the Gate
would close.
Toad Lady told us that we were too late for
the plane, and our only option was to transfer and fly to Linz. She was not
sympathetic about this. Surprisingly, I was unable to handle the situation with
the grace and stiff-upper lip of a true Englishman and was too busy boo-hooing
to even respond to what she was saying, or read the map she was shoving at me,
and I had to go and have a sit down and a little rest until the overexcitement
had passed. It cost £110 to swap my flight and book the one to Linz, along with
a train ticket to Graz. I spent the next hour being very careful that I didn’t
miss the flight to Linz as well, and stood at the gate for ages waiting for
them to let me on. [I also posted a very successful facebook status.]
Things looked up a bit then, the flight was
okay, I had a little sleep because I was very tired from getting up early and
all the excitement. Once I got to Linz, I experienced my First Interaction With
an Austrian 2012:
I actually initiated this interaction by
approaching an Austrian Lady who was working at the desk. “Hello.” I said. “I have
ticket and I need that train station. Where…?” [NB: I was actually speaking in
German but I’ve translated the conversation for English-speakers]
“I’m sorry, what?” she replied unhelpfully [NB: she was also speaking German]
I showed her my ticket and she ran away (!!!!!) But then she came back and led
me outside the airport to the bus stop.
“When is your train?” She asked. When
I failed to respond she threw her hands in the air and cried manically “WHEN IS
YOUR TRAIN?!”
“It’s at six o’clock.” I stuttered. [NB: What I actually said was ‘es a las
seis’, which is actually Spanish, and therefore helped neither of us. She was
very confused.] I eventually managed to muster ‘sieben’, which means ‘seven’,
and therefore was completely wrong, but anyway she seemed satisfied and left me
there, and I did in fact make it to the station on time. So, overall, a complete
success!
My Second Interaction With an Austrian 2012
went even better. The lady at the train station chattered to me for a bit, and
I left with the impression that the trains were experiencing a power cut, and
so I would have to get a coach half of the way to Graz . This is what then
actually happened, which means I understood her correctly! ******VICTORY
DANCE********
I finally got to Graz at 10.35pm, and
another Austrian Lady invited me into her taxi, which actually wasn’t dodgy as
we shared the fare and she made sure I got to the convent okay. She even wished
me ‘Alles Gute’, which I thought you just used for birthdays but apparently
not.
PART TWO: GRAZ
We stayed in a convent in Graz and got
shipped up to a seminar in a ‘palace’ every day. There were one gazillion
Americans and about four British people, some of whom weren’t even English
(!!!). Thankfully I did manage to find a couple of people from Sheffield. Their dulcet tones made me feel safe.
Our seminar was run by an English teacher
called Bernhard who had an Austrian/Glaswegian accent, which turned out to be
an excellent combination. The main event of the week was that we had to go and
teach a lesson in a local school, causing a lot of hubbub and angst amongst the
group. I was BRICKING IT but it was actually all right. We taught a class of 12
year olds, who didn’t really understand what we were going on about, but they
ran around a bit and jumped up and down so it can’t have been too bad. Some of
them had that evil glint in their eyes, letting us know that they could
massacre us if they chose to, but their teacher was there too so thankfully
that didn’t come about.
You probably won’t be surprised that I was
late arriving in Amstetten. You may well be surprised that it wasn’t my fault
(!!!) A train had run off the tracks, so everything was delayed, and a friendly
but misinformed local took me onto the wrong train which meant I had to change
in St. Pölken. There were youths everywhere on the trains, but I didn’t feel
nervous because there were also soldiers everywhere… [this is a cliff hanger –
to find out why so many soldiers, read the next bit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111]
PART THREE: AMSTETTEN
I thought Amstetten was going to be a tiny
place because Wikipedia told me it only had about 20,000 inhabitants, but once
I’d spoken to a few other TAs [that means“Teaching Assistants”. Just some lingo
I’ve picked up!] it turned out 20,000 was quite populous. Once of my new TA
friends has only 4,000 people in her town!! WOAH! The people in Amstetten
actually think they live in a city! This may sound comical to you or I, but
when you’re here everyone’s spread out a bit so it does look quite big. We went
into the town last night and there’s a big shopping centre and some
restaurants, and a town square and everything!
I’m living in a mini-flat in the ground
floor of a reasonably large, detached house owned by a retired couple. The
husband is quite ill, so I mostly talk to the wife (Lore Lindenhofer). She’s
very friendly and accommodating, and this morning gave me breakfast and a
rendition of ‘Thank You for Being a Friend’, which she learnt at English
Conversation Class. Last night we went to a military parade. *FACT ALERT!!!::::
Young men in Austria have to do military service when they leave school* This
year a load of them are staying in military barracks just outside Amstetten,
and they all arrived today. They stood in lines and a military band played some
traditional Austrian music. Mr Lindenhofer used to be a drummer so he drummed
along with his walking sticks which alarmed some people, but I quite liked. Then
the soldiers marched up and down and everybody applauded until they left. After
we went for hot chocolate and salty cheesy pretzel which was WUNDERBAR!!!!
*****FACT ALERT!!!!::: In Austria when you order a hot drink they always give
you some cold water too. It’s very refreshing!****
In my flat have a bedroom with a sofa and a
TV (and a bed too! LOL) then a kitchen/diner with some appliances that I
believe were made in about 1965. There’s also a super-funky telephone table
that I promise I will get some photos of, and lots of ornaments. The school’s
round the corner, as well as the NATURBAD (OMG!!) and a big supermarket, where
I went and did my first shop and bought some chocolate spread, pasta and an air
diffuser. The air diffuser smells very strong and I kind of regret it, but I
panicked in the shop and just bought it without thinking it through.
PART FOUR: CONCLUSION
So now I have to decide what to give my
host as a gift. I have brought the following English delights: two bars of
Cadbury’s, a box of English breakfast tea, a plastic bag of Chai tea, some
lavender soap (which is temporarily lost), postcards of Wolverhampton, National
Trust notecards and a copy of the Black Country Bugle (only 60p!). The tea and
Bugle was actually going to be for class, and one of the chocolate bars is for
me. I think I might give her the soap, one bar of chocolate (I’m not being
stingy because it’s like 200g worth) and some chai tea. OR MAYBE THE BREAKFAST
TEA!?!?!? OR MAYBE she actually would prefer me to give her some rent than some
gifts. Hehehehe!
****FINAL FACT ALERT: [very important] In
Austria you wear your wedding ring on your RIGHT hand! You need to know this
if, like me, you’re scouting for a husband and only usually check the left hand
for relationship status. If you usually check facebook for relationship status
then this is less important.*****
xxx
The pool
Moi in a sultry towelling robe
