Thursday 23 August 2012

AMAZING - AMOROUS - AMORPHOUS ... AMSTETTEN!

After a long-awaited and stress-filled ticket purchase from Ryan Air, in one month and one day and one hour I will be sat aboard a luxurious Boeing 737-800 aeroplane and flying to Graz in Austria. Seeing as that's such a long time away I am taking every given opportunity to prepare myself for my time away.

To begin with I paid an extortionate amount of money for a Francesco Academy hairdresser to paint my hair and wrap it up in foil and bake it then wash it in a sink. It was extremely exciting and gave me a million spaceship-themed fancy dress ideas. My STYLIST was called JOSH and he was just lovely, my favourite thing was that he didn't make me talk too much and also he wanted me to look 'sun-kissed' which was marvellous. Here is a photo of me looking my most beautiful.

This will help me on a year abroad because when communication with the locals is impossible, being extremely beautiful will help me get by. It will help me be a good teacher because everybody respects somebody with fake blonde hair!

My next step to year abroad success was to buy my guide book to Austria. I haven't got one for Cuba yet because, having read The Old Man and the Sea, I think I already know everything there is to know about that particular country.


The  book has a lovely, smooth cover and is brand new! Unexpectedly the city of Melk, which is where my 'second' school is located, is cited as one of the highlights of Austria! Unfortunately so far I haven't found any mentions the town where I'm actually living, but it does feature on a map on page 32.

Amstetten!!!!

So seeing as there was no info about Amstetten in the guidebook, I decided to revisit the Wikipedia page. The town apparently has a population about about 22,000 - only about half the population of the University of Manchester, let alone Manchester itself. There are two sentences which still leap out at me when I read the very short description on Wikipedia:
Hickersberger turns out to be a 'well-known' football player.
However, seeing as I'm becoming a teacher, I thought I'd follow the advice I'm sure I'll be giving before long, and ignore Wikipedia - I went straight to the source and visited Amstetten's own website! This iss obviously written in German and my dodgy dodgy detusch skills led to considerable confusion. To begin with I thought I'd found details of some kind of festival happening in the city from 1st-17th October! Entitled "Serrmüllsammlung 2012" it soon transpired that this is the annual "bulky garbage collection". Should be fun though! Right?

I have been emailing the teacher who will be looking after me, and he seems very helpful. Although at first everyone got confused about whether I was meant to be there for the whole year, it seems the school can help organise my accommodation, and living in such a small town means travel isn't a problem as you can walk everywhere! In the snow! I hope I don't fall over :-S

So overall I think I'm pretty much ready to go. Now I can relax for the next 30 days, after all this hard work researching.


Friday 10 August 2012

LONDON 2012 SUMMER OLYMPIC GAMES GOLD MEDAL MAGICAL

Important legal disclaimer: I am NOT affiliated with London 2012
Fans of sport and fans of 'Miranda' finally find common ground!!!!!!!!! MOMENTOUS!

Working in London for these past few weeks has meant that, whilst listening to my generic mp3 player on the 'tube', I have realised that I cannot relate to some very important lyrics by two of my favourite artists.

1. Dolly Parton.
I am not 'Working 9 to 5', today I worked '9 to 9', that's four hours longer than Dolly. Why does Dolly have such short hours? I thought being a global megastar was more time consuming and also more of an evening and weekends commitment.

2. Beyonce
Unlike Beyonce's boo, who 'don't have to call into work cos your da boss', I would have to call into work if I were sick, and I'm NOT the boss.
Beyonce does then continue to affirm 'some call it arrogance, I call it confidence'. This is definitely something I do understand.

Actually despite being overly tired I personally declare London 2012 a SUCCESS! The beginning of the Olympic period was a stressful time for me - I went to dark place, got extremely tipsy during the opening cermony and tweeted TOO MUCH and TOO ENTHUSIASTICALLY and with TOO MANY CAPITAL LETTERS and TOO MANY EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!!! But since then things have really started to look up. I got a free mascara, am staying in a dear friends house (because she's not here it feels like squatting) and scored some event tickets (oh yeahhhh connectionssss i'm so connecteddd). So I've been really lucky and managed to go to a couple of events, and explore inside the Olympic Park.

A lot of people have said that the Olympic Park is great, because it's actually like a park (!!!!!). This is misleading if you've ever been to West Park, or Bantock Park, or Platt Fields Park (etc), because unlike those parks, this park is basically a wide expanse of tarmac for crazed foregienrs to trudge along, and also a colossal, hideous, red transformer-monster-thing parked in the middle. NOTE: Everyone thinks you're clever if you know it was designer my Anish Kapoor. Nobody thinks he's very clever though, because the weird scaffolding-mesh-tower is as ugly as it is big. And that comes from somebody who really tries to like modern art, especially when other people don't like it (indie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Also your visit to the park will be cast in doubt and suspicion if you have googled 'illuminati olympics' beforehand and especially if you've watched this completely bizare video (make sure the sound is on or you don't get the full, terrifying effect)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=EBjxoyxWdOU

Anyway the Olympic park was actually really fun, at one point me and my companion (WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS for legal reasons!) (it was definitely a celebrity.) were approached by a small, starved-looking german boy begging us in rasping, terrified tones for some tickets to the hockey. Just goes to show the affect the Olympics have on people - they go completely craycray.

If I am brutally honest I think big city life and weird Olympic fever combined with hot weather and the mind-boggling other-world-ness of the 'tube' has sent me a bit cray cray too! a bit chicked oriental! apples and pears! past me the hammer and bone! staff pout coward! (lol??) but it's all part of the experience. I've stopped crying at babies (did cry at an article about the equestrian riders' connections with their horses, but I think that's definitely valid) and today I finally filled up my Leon loyalty card! And to be honest that's all that matters.




Wednesday 1 August 2012

Unexpected Opportunities on Otherwise Awful Days - part 1

Despite working 15 hours a day, the immortal sunshine which I have in place of a heart has allowed me to keep my pecker up - despite several eclipses of SEVERE DISTRESS. Extra-tiredness has made me extra-emotional, so yes, I DID cry at the Olympic opening ceremony, at the several BBC Olympic adverts, at several televised Olympic events and this evening on the tube when I saw a baby.

Nevertheless! It has recently been brought to my attention that in the very near vicinity there is an extremely famous rap artist passing his time in an Olympic fashion. Now, for obvious reasons, I can't reveal his identity. But needless to say, this man has succeeded in combining my two main aims in life: a profitable music career and a ridiculous name. Ever an opportunist, I have candidly realised that here lies my chance to finally fulfil my one and only new year's resolution of 2012.....kick start my hip hop career. A certain friend (who shall also remain nameless) promised to be my manager, but if I am perfectly honest, she has not delivered, so I think I might approach Mr ****** and explain my ambitions. I obviously don't have a mix tape recorded, so I guess I'll just freestyle. Or I might do a cover of Eminem, or Kanye, or someone else legitimate.

peace out bros xxxxxxx